New Year, New you....or me, Choosing Joy- 2019

I know it has been a while since I last posted.....more like almost three years. Oh well, we will just call it a sabbatical. During those three years, we stopped our adoption, I graduated from Chamberlain Nursing with my BSN and my girl moved from public school to a private school. Over the past two years I have worked two jobs pretty consistently. That is until recently. I had surgery on my arm in 2016, work done to our home, and a host of other things happened but that probably is not why you are reading my post.

For now I will do a brief synopsis of life throughout 2018 so you know where I am coming from. Looking back over the last year, it has had a lot of ups and downs. The beginning of the year had me smack dab in the middle of grief. I had an experience at work that left me rocked, unsure, and questioning whether I wanted to even continue with nursing. That was a major rough spot and kudos to Paul for hanging in there and being there for me through it all. I know he would say it is par for the course being my husband and all, but I am truly thankful.  I had a lot to think on and someone to forgive through all of that as well. Forgiveness was the hardest part, and there are still times, that I still need to forgive that person again. I remind myself that God forgave me and if things were not part of His plan then they wouldn't have occurred they way they did.  I can't give more details, but that is the jist.  Aside from the rough start of 2018 the rest of the year held changes. I started looking for another career path in April. I applied for 6+ jobs during that month and prayed that God would bring me to the job I was meant to have, still in nursing but in a different field. I was teaching for the community college and working still as an OB nurse, but felt that OB was no longer for me. The end of May I had one interview, by mid-June I was offered the one job I interviewed for and accepted the position as Community Health Nurse for the AERS program in Charles County, MD. This is where God wanted me and He opened the door at exactly the right moment. I now work as a state employee, I am close to my girls school, and I am helping people in the community. I get to travel and learn new things that I would never know about if it weren't for this position. God had this in His plan all along. The end of October I cut ties with being an OB nurse for good, as far as I can tell at least. So we have been adjusting to my new position, schedule, and pay. I can say that it has been easy and not easy at the same time. A good change that I needed mentally and emotionally, but financially not the easiest decision. Through it all God is still providing and will continue to provide just what we need when we need it.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't so brief, but a lot changed and happened. So looking forward to 2019, I think about how people make resolutions every year, only to be broken or not kept. Why don't we keep our resolutions? Why do we even make a resolution? Well according to History.com the Babylonians were the first to make resolutions so that their gods would bestow favor, then the Romans, and lastly the Christians would look back on the year and mistakes they made and resolve to do better the following year. Well, I think most of us still stand in the Christians reasoning, but I do not like the notion of THE resolution. The definition of resolution is to solve a problem. Now, here is my question....what problem do you have? Do you have a problem with food, weight, addiction, depression, anxiety, relationships? What part of these problems can you control? How do you control them? I see people struggle every year making a resolution too lofty than what they are able to really achieve. Maybe I am wrong and this only happens to me, but this is my observation. I prefer to call my resolutions, goals instead. We all have goals and if we don't succeed with our goal for the year, it is still there waiting for us without mocking. So instead of resolving to change things and risking not being successful and feeling defeated, I am making goals. Here is my list....workout 3 times a week, eat healthier consistently, do daily devotions, blog weekly, pray differently.  These may be a little lofty, but they need to be done consistently, and I know they are achievable. My last and most important goal is to seek Joy in everything I do. Our sermon this past week was on finding Joy and Happiness in the Lord. This poses the question, how do I do that? First understand that Joy and Happiness are synonymous and you can be joyful even in tough or sad times. When you lean on Jesus, devote some time to reading His word and pray or just talk to Him, you are most likely going to find Joy. Will I achieve all of my goals? I don't know, but I do know that I will try and continue to keep these as goals throughout the year and every year. Will I feel badly if I don't achieve these goals? Certainly not, because I am a work in progress just like every human being on the planet.

Paul and I have found Joy in most of our lives especially lately. We have joy and contentment with the way our lives are right now. We don't have new cars, new clothes, the newest technologies, or the most expensive vacations. What we do have is time together, no car payments, working electronics, good jobs, a child in private school, a warm home, and bills paid. We feel at peace without the newest, most expensive things and that is where we should be. The Bible says you will not find joy in the things of this world but in Christ alone. It also says do not put your treasures in the things of this world, but into Heaven. What does that mean exactly? The Tiffany version says: Don't get the latest and greatest, the important things are people. Invest in those around you, not on earthly possessions because Lord knows you can't take it with you!

So my main goal and mantra for the year....Joy! I choose Joy no matter our circumstance, God is with me every step I take and He deserves to hear my praise and Joy. In full disclosure I may need reminders of this throughout the year, because I will admit....I am human and faulty. So I am going to ask....what is your goal for the year? What do you hope to get out of a new start and a new year? Happy New Year to everyone and I hope for Joy to everyone, no matter the circumstance, and remember we are all human and a masterpiece in progress!

Contentment

The end of last year and the beginning of this year on the adoption front has been a roller coaster.  Right before Thanksgiving last year we received an email from our agency that the wait time with Ethiopia is increasing to 4-5 years from dossier submission.  They were offering a discounted transfer to India or China.  This would mean that what we were looking forward to being closer to a referral in April was yet another year or two, maybe more away.  So over the month of December we considered and prayed about transferring to China.  The beginning on January we decided to make the transfer.  To our knowledge we met all the requirements.  We were excited, hopeful, and had a renewed spirit.  About three weeks later we were told that there were other requirements that had been overlooked, that we did not meet, so our application was denied.  They could possibly make an exception if we were willing to accept a child with more moderate to severe special needs.  We felt that this was not an option for our family.  So we began the process of transferring back to Ethiopia with the knowledge that it would be a long wait.  We began doing some of the home study update paperwork again.  Then we received yet another email the beginning of February stating that Ethiopia was proposing changes to their international adoption requirements.  The requirements included age limits of 25-50, no more than 2 children in the home already, and a 6 month stay in country for bonding.   As you can probably assume the last proposed change is a deal breaker.  The officials in Ethiopia then met with the agencies and took their input into consideration, however did not make a final decision on these changes.  They did not give another meeting date and have begun transferring children out of the agencies care and back into the state orphanages.  The agency told us that this most likely will be a lengthy process with increasing wait times, and encouraged transfer to China or India once again.

After all of this consideration and turmoil with Ethiopia, I say with a heavy heart, we feel God has called us to leave the adoption and Ethiopia.  All of this has been painful and it was not an easy decision to say the least.  We are grieving now for a child and the family we envisioned we would have for the last 4 years.  For 3 years now we have been waiting for a referral and we have tried to be patient and continue to live life.  It is apparent to us that God has closed the doors to China and Ethiopia.  We have looked at other options for adoption and feel that currently they are not options for us.  So now we are coming to terms with the possibility of only having one child.  We are trusting that if God wants us to adopt then He will make it happen and "drop" a child into our laps.  Choosing to step away has been so difficult and torn my heart.  The hope for a sister for my girl seems like a distant dream and makes me ache for her as well.  This was such a difficult decision, but we are embracing the new life without the uncertainty of our family and trying to enjoy our daughter.  

Through all of this process we have learned a lot.  We took the opportunity to learn about Ethiopia, try new foods, and most of all learned patience.  We also learned and continue to learn about jealousy.  I am being frank now, but seeing other friends adopt and have it go smoothly and quickly has brought feelings of jealousy.  We wished we had what they did.  But that was not God's plan.  It may seem that we are being impatient, but in reality we feel that we need to rely even more on God to provide a child and stop "looking" for one to put into our family.  If He plans adoption for us, He will make it happen.  If not then we will enjoy being the parents of one child, and have the ability to give her our full attention and provision. We are focused on accepting God's plan and blessings for our lives, our family, and being content with what He has already given us, a beautiful almost 6 year old daughter!

We appreciate all of the support that we had as we started and remained going through this process.  Thank you to all of our friends and family who supported us emotionally and financially, it will always be appreciated and never forgotten the love and support given to us. Thank you all and please continue to pray for peace, contentment, and support our decisions.