A little bit of everything....

So I have been for some reason wanting to address a few things. Why you ask?? I haven't a clue, other than maybe to give people a better glimpse at me, who I am, and what I go through.

For starters, I wanted to discuss depression and anxiety because people don't talk about it often enough. Now those who know me well, know that I tend to be more of an anxious person, and those who know me really well or that I talk to often know that I battle with not only anxiety but depression as well. Now I will say I didn't realize the anxiety until after I had Belle and my dad died. The depression comes and goes usually with the change in weather. So after I had Belle and my dad died when she was only 5 weeks, then having to go back to work almost right after took a toll on me. I became extremely anxious and depressed. Unfortunately I barely remember the summer of 2010. With my support system crushed and learning to be a new mom (still learning btw), I was at a loss of what to do and how to effectively communicate. With prompting from my mom, I started counseling and that was the best thing I could have ever done. I initially went for grief counseling, I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was. I was then diagnosed. And in September it was suggested by my counselor to get medication for postpartum depression. The counselor I went to is a Christian and I never lost my way in my walk with God other than not understanding why things happen the way they do. Going on with the story, I remained in counseling until the end of February. I then weaned off my medication in June, right before father's day (dumb idea) but I got through. The depression has not been a huge part of my life other than when the weather really changes, I NEED sunlight and warmth! The anxiety however has and since realizing it 4 years ago, I now realize that I have always had anxiety. Never panic attacks in that sense, but complete and utter unrest definitely. I still struggle with it now. I try as much as I can to not let it overcome me and pray for strength and peace. Last fall into winter I struggled with anger and anxiety related to hormones. I went on medication again for a while, but weaned off again in the summer. I am doing well and have started using essential oils from Doterra to help. I am so thankful for the supportive and understanding husband God has given me, where I would be without that kind of support.....probably still medicated. A lot of people tend to view this struggle as weak or not relying on God to help. Well I am here to tell you that I do rely on God, but at the same time God gave us modern medicine and why not get the help that I need so that I can function and care for my family. The demands on women and men alike today are astronomical! Both parents typically work, so equal shares of household duties and child rearing on already tired and exhausted parents who then want to give their children everything they possibly can. It is crazy! Now I know there are people out there who will say it is no different than 20 years ago, and you may be correct but this is my perception and my life. There is also what is perceived a stigma for being on medication, but you know what anyone who does judge you for feeling anxious or depressed and needing medication obviously does not have any understanding or compassion toward people like me. And those people I know I do not need in my life.

So onto other "things". I heard recently from someone somewhere that as you move into your 30's (coming up for me) you have an array of friends of different ages. I do see this in myself, but what I am not seeing and makes me sad and sometimes lonely is that one friend who knows me well and we can talk or not but can pick up right where we left off. I learned and can remember my mom telling me when I had friends that I didn't stay friends with....."there are different friends Tiffany, some are here for a season, some for a reason, and some for  a lifetime". I will never forget that, but sometimes I just want that lifetime "girlfriend" to show up again. It is strange not knowing who it is. Sometimes I wonder if it is Paul, because let me tell you he is my best friend. He even tells me what shoes to wear! Anyway, at one point I thought becoming a mom would make me not lonely, but being a mom can seclude you from the friends you once had and it makes it hard to make time for the friends you do have. Anyway, I don't have a solution to my issue other than to wait it out and see who God brings into my life or who He keeps there.

So in conclusion, I wanted to post these things because I know I am not the only one out there that feels this way or suffers from these things. And maybe, just maybe for the person going through it right now, I am encouraging them, to help them know that they are not alone. And last but not least God is always with you and me forever and ever amen!

A year later......almost

I can't believe its been almost a year since my last post! My world is a busy one that I live in. So lets see.....to catch up.

On the adoption front, nothing has changed.....we have updated our home study, and updated our stuff with immigration. Our request is still girl age 1-4. Our wait time has increased while waiting, to 36-42 months for referral from the date our papers were in Ethiopia. Which was April 5, 2013. So April 2016 will be 24 months so minimally another year and half from now.

We have added to our family in other ways though.....furry ways! :-)  Last summer we brought Reese home, who unfortunately became slightly aggressive when we enforced rules and we could not give her the attention and exercise she needed. So in February we brought Donald home. He is an older dog with a sweet personality. We call him our "old man". He grumbles, moans and loves to lay and sleep in the sun or in his bed in the house. That is about it. Then this August, Paul brought home a puppy who needed a home. We call him "Little Bear" who is getting to be not so little anymore. He is a great puppy though and listens well and is learning to walk on a leash. He also loves his crate and was relatively easy to house break.

Belle is in official Pre-k now and going to school all day. She is learning to read and write other words and write her lower case letters. She is so smart! She is also a stubborn and a bossy little thing, but she is so caring and affectionate. And she is taking horse riding lessons and loves it!

Paul is still at the same job....yay! I am as well. Work things are changing for me, I am trying to embrace them even if it is hard.

We changed churches the beginning of the year for a multitude of reasons, but a lot because of distance. We are now 10 minutes instead of 40 from church. We really like it there and it is in the same network or churches we went to before.

And over the last year, I have been dealing with hip pain, gradually going to hip popping, and resulting in the inability to exercise like I want. I am in pain most days. So this past summer I went on a quest to the doctor to figure out why.....(with prompting from some work friends). It took about two months to figure out but I advocated for myself and asked for tests and would not take "I'm not sure" for an answer. The pain affects my daily life. So in August I was diagnosed with Femoroacetabular Impingement......meaning I have bone spurs on my hip. Most likely have always been there and develop during childhood. But when I started running last year, it hurt, tore my labrum (the cushion on the socket part of the hip joint). And as I tried to rest, do other things etc, it only got worse. In August I went to physical therapy to see if that would help.....well it didn't. So last month I saw a surgeon at Georgetown and scheduled to have arthroscopic surgery to repair the labrum, shave the bone spurs, and release a tendon that is limiting my range of motion. My surgery is scheduled for December 5th. Unfortunately this is my right hip....so no driving for 3 weeks and I get crutches for 3 weeks! So sadly, I cannot wait for surgery day, so I don't have to live with constant restrictions and daily pain. But I am thankful for the ability to have surgery and the medical knowledge God has given us as humans to be able to treat things like this.

Paul and I have also started on attaining the goal of being completely debt free other than our mortgage! We are working very hard and budgeting, with the hopes of being able to save again and have "breathing room".  And I have also taken an interest in essential oils and their medicinal properties. So I am trying them and having some positive results.

So in conclusion, this is not all that has happened, but some things stay private for now.....life is truly busy but blessed. God is good and I try to remember everyday that today is not for me but for Him. I am definitely not perfect by any means....I do lose it and get angry, I do get anxious about a lot of things, and I do have depressed moments. But I am here to say that God loves me right where I am and will carry me through whatever I am going through. I know I am not the only one who goes through life like this, and I am here to say that He will be there for you too and love you too!

Blessings!