So I have been for some reason wanting to address a few things. Why you ask?? I haven't a clue, other than maybe to give people a better glimpse at me, who I am, and what I go through.
For starters, I wanted to discuss depression and anxiety because people don't talk about it often enough. Now those who know me well, know that I tend to be more of an anxious person, and those who know me really well or that I talk to often know that I battle with not only anxiety but depression as well. Now I will say I didn't realize the anxiety until after I had Belle and my dad died. The depression comes and goes usually with the change in weather. So after I had Belle and my dad died when she was only 5 weeks, then having to go back to work almost right after took a toll on me. I became extremely anxious and depressed. Unfortunately I barely remember the summer of 2010. With my support system crushed and learning to be a new mom (still learning btw), I was at a loss of what to do and how to effectively communicate. With prompting from my mom, I started counseling and that was the best thing I could have ever done. I initially went for grief counseling, I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was. I was then diagnosed. And in September it was suggested by my counselor to get medication for postpartum depression. The counselor I went to is a Christian and I never lost my way in my walk with God other than not understanding why things happen the way they do. Going on with the story, I remained in counseling until the end of February. I then weaned off my medication in June, right before father's day (dumb idea) but I got through. The depression has not been a huge part of my life other than when the weather really changes, I NEED sunlight and warmth! The anxiety however has and since realizing it 4 years ago, I now realize that I have always had anxiety. Never panic attacks in that sense, but complete and utter unrest definitely. I still struggle with it now. I try as much as I can to not let it overcome me and pray for strength and peace. Last fall into winter I struggled with anger and anxiety related to hormones. I went on medication again for a while, but weaned off again in the summer. I am doing well and have started using essential oils from Doterra to help. I am so thankful for the supportive and understanding husband God has given me, where I would be without that kind of support.....probably still medicated. A lot of people tend to view this struggle as weak or not relying on God to help. Well I am here to tell you that I do rely on God, but at the same time God gave us modern medicine and why not get the help that I need so that I can function and care for my family. The demands on women and men alike today are astronomical! Both parents typically work, so equal shares of household duties and child rearing on already tired and exhausted parents who then want to give their children everything they possibly can. It is crazy! Now I know there are people out there who will say it is no different than 20 years ago, and you may be correct but this is my perception and my life. There is also what is perceived a stigma for being on medication, but you know what anyone who does judge you for feeling anxious or depressed and needing medication obviously does not have any understanding or compassion toward people like me. And those people I know I do not need in my life.
So onto other "things". I heard recently from someone somewhere that as you move into your 30's (coming up for me) you have an array of friends of different ages. I do see this in myself, but what I am not seeing and makes me sad and sometimes lonely is that one friend who knows me well and we can talk or not but can pick up right where we left off. I learned and can remember my mom telling me when I had friends that I didn't stay friends with....."there are different friends Tiffany, some are here for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime". I will never forget that, but sometimes I just want that lifetime "girlfriend" to show up again. It is strange not knowing who it is. Sometimes I wonder if it is Paul, because let me tell you he is my best friend. He even tells me what shoes to wear! Anyway, at one point I thought becoming a mom would make me not lonely, but being a mom can seclude you from the friends you once had and it makes it hard to make time for the friends you do have. Anyway, I don't have a solution to my issue other than to wait it out and see who God brings into my life or who He keeps there.
So in conclusion, I wanted to post these things because I know I am not the only one out there that feels this way or suffers from these things. And maybe, just maybe for the person going through it right now, I am encouraging them, to help them know that they are not alone. And last but not least God is always with you and me forever and ever amen!
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