So the last few days have been okay. Belle started getting sick on Wednesday, I thought it was just allergies at first but when she woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday morning and felt like she had a fever and stuffy nose, I knew she was sick. She ended up in our bed, so sleep was not great, not to mention she woke up 2 more times in our bed. Work was decent on Thursday, it was actually the slowest day we've had in a week or two at least when I've been there. Though I did hear flack again about bringing in bake sale items to sell. I can't tell if people were upset that I didn't give them to them or that I was doing it for my adoption. I know a few people who are extremely supportive of me through this process, so I know those people I can trust. And it seems every time I work I continue to notice how I am different. I was termed "wound up tight" last night, which is probably true, so whatever and I know that was said with kindness to it. But I continually notice that I don't read the same books, talk the way others do, or talk about things like others. It actually makes me feel lonely, not that I want to be like everyone else, I don't. But it's lonely when I feel like people don't "get me". It doesn't help that all I wanted to do was be home with Belle yesterday, but I needed to work. We need the money and I didn't want to use up more leave.
So I didn't realize that with our adoption application, the letter from my doctor was needed before we could be approved until yesterday. So I e-mailed a copy of the letter to the agency today, but sadly I won't know until next week whether we were accepted or not. I think we will be, but it's still a "what if".
Today Belle was feeling better, but I think she and I are having nap time power struggles. She will not nap for me, instead she will kick and scream at me until I break and sing her to sleep or take her to my bed for a movie. So she didn't nap today. And she was getting into everything that she wasn't supposed to today, and I am trying this "Love and Logic" but I am having a hard time following through and coming up with age and action appropriate consequences. I love that girl though and I was so sad and mad at myself because in my frustration I kept yelling at her. I felt like I ruined our last mommy-daughter day before I left. And to make it better, I was mad at Paul too. I was mad at him because I felt like I am the only one who ever cleans or picks up. I am constantly cleaning up his stuff, my stuff, and Belle's stuff! And doing daily, and weekly household chores! I am tired and need/want help, and I want to be noticed and appreciated! After talking to my mom about all of this though and crying about Belle and everything, I realized that all of this is probably related to hormones and grief. I cried really hard with her on the phone about my dad. I miss him so much and I think to myself, I haven't talked to him in 2 years, and I haven't seen him in 2 years either. That is what really makes me sad and that Belle never really had the chance to get to know him. I miss him telling me how to pack my bags for vacation and giving me directions to places. I miss his chuckle and his cooking. I miss how much he loved Belle or to him "Izzy". I miss his money advice and most everything about him. I actually never deleted his cell phone number from my phone even though it's been disconnected for close to 2 years. That is probably dumb but I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like I am deleting him. Anyway, the tears helped me move on for the day, and acknowledge and take the moment to grieve.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Grandma
Today is the 10 year anniversary of losing my grandmother. On top of that I have PMS and I had to work today. Work was steady but okay. I was just out of it, sad, and mopey. I think a lot of it has to do with missing my grandma, my dad, and PMS. Even though this all affected me, I still enjoyed my all natural childbirth delivery this morning. They were a great couple and I got kudos from the midwife on my performance. She told me that natural childbirth is my thing, that I have a real knack for it. Other than that my day was normal, not here or there.
About my grandma though. I think I need to take a few minutes to remember her because if I don't it will stay bottled up. She was 72 when she passed away. She and I had a lot in common and were close. She was a very strong woman and I had so much respect for her. She was kind and loved life. She loved people in general, she loved Jesus, and she loved family. She and I had similar backgrounds from childhood. She knew what it felt like to have a father who doesn't give a rip about you. She had asthma, and an irregular heart rhythm. She liked to talk on the phone and would call at least once a day. I am the same way, I have asthma, and I have been in a-fib. She was so strong, she had polio as a child, she helped raise her younger siblings, she got married young the first time and when it turned out not to be legal as she thought, and he left her, she was pregnant. She raised my aunt until she was 2 and then was almost forced to give her up for adoption. She never forgot about Susan and she always kept a picture of her in her wallet. She reunited with Susan years before she passed and I think that was good closure for her to see her daughter again. I cannot imagine what she went through or what any birth parent goes through. She was stubborn and silly too. She loved to be silly, and one thing I will never forget is this silly pumpkin hat she would wear at Halloween. She also loved bells and collected them, then at Christmas she would wear that little jingle bell around her neck. She would call it her ding-a-ling! She always did stockings for us at the family Christmas and always had some minty candy and an orange or clementine. She was a wonderful person and I am blessed that I got to know her, but that doesn't make it easier living without her. I wonder sometimes what she would say about where I am now in life. What she would think of Belle. I know she would love her, but to see the interaction. Belle's middle name is the same as hers was.....Jeane. And I wonder what she would say about us adopting. Sometimes I just wish I could sit down with her and catch her up on all that's gone on and get her opinion and just visit with her. She used to love hearing about my day and everything. I obviously get my talking gene from her! If I really think about it, I can see her in my head. I love you grandma and I'll see you again someday, soon to you, not to me. But know that I miss you all the time!
About my grandma though. I think I need to take a few minutes to remember her because if I don't it will stay bottled up. She was 72 when she passed away. She and I had a lot in common and were close. She was a very strong woman and I had so much respect for her. She was kind and loved life. She loved people in general, she loved Jesus, and she loved family. She and I had similar backgrounds from childhood. She knew what it felt like to have a father who doesn't give a rip about you. She had asthma, and an irregular heart rhythm. She liked to talk on the phone and would call at least once a day. I am the same way, I have asthma, and I have been in a-fib. She was so strong, she had polio as a child, she helped raise her younger siblings, she got married young the first time and when it turned out not to be legal as she thought, and he left her, she was pregnant. She raised my aunt until she was 2 and then was almost forced to give her up for adoption. She never forgot about Susan and she always kept a picture of her in her wallet. She reunited with Susan years before she passed and I think that was good closure for her to see her daughter again. I cannot imagine what she went through or what any birth parent goes through. She was stubborn and silly too. She loved to be silly, and one thing I will never forget is this silly pumpkin hat she would wear at Halloween. She also loved bells and collected them, then at Christmas she would wear that little jingle bell around her neck. She would call it her ding-a-ling! She always did stockings for us at the family Christmas and always had some minty candy and an orange or clementine. She was a wonderful person and I am blessed that I got to know her, but that doesn't make it easier living without her. I wonder sometimes what she would say about where I am now in life. What she would think of Belle. I know she would love her, but to see the interaction. Belle's middle name is the same as hers was.....Jeane. And I wonder what she would say about us adopting. Sometimes I just wish I could sit down with her and catch her up on all that's gone on and get her opinion and just visit with her. She used to love hearing about my day and everything. I obviously get my talking gene from her! If I really think about it, I can see her in my head. I love you grandma and I'll see you again someday, soon to you, not to me. But know that I miss you all the time!
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