Start of vacation

So the last few days have been okay. Belle started getting sick on Wednesday, I thought it was just allergies at first but when she woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday morning and felt like she had a fever and stuffy nose, I knew she was sick. She ended up in our bed, so sleep was not great, not to mention she woke up 2 more times in our bed. Work was decent on Thursday, it was actually the slowest day we've had  in a week or two at least when I've been there. Though I did hear flack again about bringing in bake sale items to sell. I can't tell if people were upset that I didn't give them to them or that I was doing it for my adoption. I know a few people who are extremely supportive of me through this process, so I know those people I can trust. And it seems every time I work I continue to notice how I am different. I was termed "wound up tight" last night, which is probably true, so whatever and I know that was said with kindness to it. But I continually notice that I don't read the same books, talk the way others do, or talk about things like others. It actually makes me feel lonely, not that I want to be like everyone else, I don't. But it's lonely when I feel like people don't "get me". It doesn't help that all I wanted to do was be home with Belle yesterday, but I needed to work. We need the money and I didn't want to use up more leave.

So I didn't realize that with our adoption application, the letter from my doctor was needed before we could be approved until yesterday. So I e-mailed a copy of the letter to the agency today, but sadly I won't know until next week whether we were accepted or not. I think we will be, but it's still a "what if".

Today Belle was feeling better, but I think she and I are having nap time power struggles. She will not nap for me, instead she will kick and scream at me until I break and sing her to sleep or take her to my bed for a movie. So she didn't nap today. And she was getting into everything that she wasn't supposed to today, and I am trying this "Love and Logic" but I am having a hard time following through and coming up with age and action appropriate consequences. I love that girl though and I was so sad and mad at myself because in my frustration I kept yelling at her. I felt like I ruined our last mommy-daughter day before I left. And to make it better, I was mad at Paul too. I was mad at him because I felt like I am the only one who ever cleans or picks up. I am constantly cleaning up his stuff, my stuff, and Belle's stuff! And doing daily, and weekly household chores! I am tired and need/want help, and I want to be noticed and appreciated! After talking to my mom about all of this though and crying about  Belle and everything, I realized that all of this is probably related to hormones and grief. I cried really hard with her on the phone about my dad. I miss him so much and I think to myself, I haven't talked to him in 2 years, and I haven't seen him in 2 years either. That is what really makes me sad and that Belle never really had the chance to get to know him. I miss him telling me how to pack my bags for vacation and giving me directions to places. I miss his chuckle and his cooking. I miss how much he loved Belle or to him "Izzy". I miss his money advice and most everything about him. I actually never deleted his cell phone number from my phone even though it's been disconnected for close to 2 years. That is probably dumb but I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like I am deleting him. Anyway, the tears helped me move on for the day, and acknowledge and take the moment to grieve.