Change is in the air

Changes are coming for my family and I. So in February I applied for a night shift charge nurse position, however, I did not get the position. I did get a night shift position though in March, which I will start in early May. I am looking forward to working a different shift and having some change in my work right now. The extra money will not hurt either! 

I have also applied for a scholarship from work so I can go back to school with assistance. I plan to return to school in July once I am adjusted to night shift. I am also looking forward to this as well, though it will be hard, I think it will be worth it. 

Since February, I have completed my physical therapy, and I am so happy! I am finally feeling like my hip is normal and I can exercise as I need and want to now. I can sit with my girl and play with her without restrictions! Since February I have lost about 8 pounds with exercise and watching what I eat. I am proud of myself and I am planning to continue losing weight, eating healthier, and keeping up the exercise! God calls us to care for our bodies and I want to obey Him. He tells us this so we can lead long, happy, and healthy lives. I have decided to listen and obey because I feel better and happier when I take care of myself.

Okay, so I am going to brag a little just because I can and I am a proud momma! My girl is now 5 years old! She turned 5 the end of March and let me tell you she is smart as a whip and gorgeous too! She is reading on a first grade level, doing simple addition, subtraction, intuitive, and can critically think so well! I am so proud of her! I plan to keep her challenged and keep her involved in activities. 

Last week I turned 30.....I don't have a problem with 30 but I have in the past felt like there was nothing to look forward to in my thirties. Since your twenties is spent typically graduating college, getting married, having kids, buying a house, etc. I did all of those things and felt like there was not anything exciting to look for, but now that I am thirty I realize I do have things to look forward to. I plan to at least get my bachelors degree in the next two years, enjoy watching my daughter grow, bring our other daughter home from Ethiopia, and change our finances to make a more comfortable life for us and plan for early retirement. So I am okay with thirty now and I think my thirties will be great. It will be what I make it. 

Everything is what you decide to make it. I have decided to enjoy life and live for God and attempt to show Him through my actions and words. I hear people all the time who are unhappy, complain, and criticize others. Parents always tell their children to treat others the way they want to be treated. Well I am sure you do not want to be talked about, made fun of, or ignored. So word of advice don't treat others that way, it is juvenile and probably means you are unhappy with yourself or your life. I am choosing to not act or be that way. God wants me to love others and treat them kindly, like he would have. I really do enjoy my simple, uneventful, quiet life. I choose to be content with what God has given me and allowed me to have and do. It is a pleasure to serve Him through my job and be content with my life. I pray that all people can see the positive side of things and learn to be content with themselves, their lives, and be kind to each other. 

My Faith

As a Christian we are called to talk about our faith and lead others to Christ. Now this is something that I personally struggle with....I am not very comfortable leading others to Christ. I will share my faith and try to explain why I believe things etc to those who ask or do not understand. I shared with some people this week some things that I believe in that I think may have been misunderstood or just not finished. So for that I am sorry to those who may have misunderstood me.

Anyway, the conversations started with death and some people being afraid of death. Now when this came up I thought about it for a good few minutes and when I think about death and dying, I am not afraid. I am not afraid and will not fight it because I know where I am going, so if I know where I am going what is there to fear. When I die I will meet my Savior and spend eternity with Him, walking, talking, and praising Him. What better thought! Do not misunderstand me though....I do not wish for death, because I do have a husband and daughter. I do not want to leave them behind, and I do not feel like God is finished with me yet. However when He is finished with what He has planned for me here on earth, I will accept it and be ready. Even if death comes before I expect (being an old lady), I will accept it and let it go. I have peace about it because I know that He will take care of my family. I already dedicated my daughter as His, so I trust Him to keep her safe. 

So then this conversation went somewhere else....to assisted death or "doctor assisted suicide". There was a young woman last year who moved to Oregon so she could have an assisted suicide because she was terminally ill and did not want to suffer. My thoughts on this are as follows: suicide is suicide, no difference if you take a gun to your head because you are depressed or you take some pills to doctor gave you because you will die from cancer. In my beliefs this is wrong, the Bible states in the Ten Commandments "Thou Shalt Not Kill". It does not say do not kill others, it says do not kill. Which means anyone including yourself. Now in regards as to what happens to those who choose to kill themselves. I do not know what happens and where they go. I am not God and be thankful for that! I have compassion for those who choose this form of death. The Bible tells us that we have compassionate God. He does not want anyone to go to Hell, He loves each and everyone of us. I believe that those who are saved, even of they choose suicide go to Heaven. I believe this because God is compassionate. As to those who choose to end their life early because they do not want to suffer, I can in a sense understand that. We euthanize our pets so they do not suffer, but at the same time...they are not human. Yes all life is precious but when God wrote the laws I believe he meant human life. I have thought if I, my husband, or my child had terminal cancer and would eventually die or have some other terminal illness, we would not choose assisted suicide. The reason being God should be the only one to say "today is the day we meet". It is not my choice or anyone else's. 

The society we live in, is everything should be your choice. You can choose to work or not, how many kids you have, what gender child you have, what gender you prefer sexually, when you live and when you die. Our society does not see the consequences of this dangerous and slippery slope we are headed down. God did not intend for us to choose whether to abort the child He blessed us with, or to choose that we would rather marry the same sex, or the day we should die. Now...has the world always been this way?? In some ways yes, Sodom and Gomorrah chose to do the same things our society and culture have accepted as normal. Well it is not normal or God intended at all. I know this because all of these things are based on sin. Yes sin. We all sin, I sin and probably at some point everyday. But I still have peace that God loves me right where I am and will never leave me. And I try to live by Him and His guidelines for life. He gives guidelines so we will be fruitful and joyful. No life will not always be a bed of roses even following God, but He will be right there with you to carry you through it, whatever it may be. 

God loves each and every one of us right where we are. Whether you have been saved since age three or you are the druggie passed out on the side of the road about to overdose. God loves us even though we have and will continue to sin. Even pastors and church leaders sin, because we are all human. And through all of it God loves us. God loves the woman at the abortion clinic, he loves the bad biker, he loves the murderer in jail. And each one of us has the opportunity to accept God's love. We accept God's love when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and invite Him to be a part of our lives. I made this choice at age nine, my daughter made it a few years ago, and my husband made it at a young age as well. We are not perfect and never will be, but we pray and have a relationship with God. We turn to Him for peace, comfort, guidance, and relationship and you can too. Accept His love and grace and you will be set free from the chains of this  world I guarantee it. 

Melkam Ganna Adeline!

Today January 7th is when Ethiopians celebrate Christmas. So Melkam Ganna! Almost 3 years ago we  decided to adopt and to adopt from Ethiopia. We decided on Ethiopia because that is where we felt God wanted us to adopt from....either that or China. Well, at the time we were not old enough to adopt from China, and now that we are old enough.....even given the opportunity to change programs recently we haven't. Why you may ask....God has called us to wait for our daughter. When we started the process our wait time was 18-24 months from application to referral (profile). Unknown to us.....our wait time would increase to 36-42 months from the time your papers were submitted to Ethiopia for a referral. Three years ago I was so excited, nervous, and hopeful and focused on raising funds for our adoption of Adeline. As I write this I write it with all the honesty in the world. I do not feel those things anymore and have not done a lot of fundraising. Having said that....it does not mean that I do not want to adopt anymore or that I have stopped all together with fundraising. My world is no longer consumed with "adoption paper chasing". Those who know adoption or know all the running around I did a few years ago knows what this means.

This is what waiting feels like. Waiting is the unknown part of adoption. The first portion when you start the process is getting your home study paperwork, then your dossier paperwork ready to send to the country you chose. And raising money for this stuff too.....almost half of the costs occur within the first half of your adoption. Once you send your dossier and it sits in country for a while....your hopes are still high....still waiting and dreaming of your soon to be child. Just as if you were pregnant....except this is the longest "pregnancy" I have ever heard of!! As time goes on, you continue to live your life, paying attention to your spouse, and other children if you have them. This is the part of adoption I feel isn't talked about enough. We have friends who have adopted in the past....mostly from China....all of their adoptions completed within two years of starting the process. This sometimes feels truly unfair and sometimes if I let myself....not often....jealousy can take over along with sadness. Because if you had asked me three years ago or even a year and half ago....I would have told you with every confidence that we would have our daughter home now. That was not God's plan for us....and probably at this point a good plan since the last month, I haven't been able to do much of anything for myself let alone anyone else....or lets say it has been difficult. So this is where we wait in limbo....for who knows how much longer. Paul and I talk about our adoption and our future daughter....not nearly as much as we used to. I dream and think about her and what she will look like, how old she will be, what she will be like, and how my girls will get along. I pray for all of my children, known and unknown. Not focusing too much on hope, excitement, and nerves is my way of coping with the long wait. I am letting it be and letting God do His work in me and my family in His timing. I am okay with waiting, I am at peace.

So Merry Christmas to my daughter Adeline. Even though I have not met you and do not know when I will, I love you from the bottom of my heart. And I thank Adeline's birth mother and father and pray for them and Adeline. Melkam Ganna!

28 days later.....

Four weeks ago today was my surgery on my hip. So technically speaking I had arthroscopic surgery on my right hip with femoroplasty (shaving the femur bone), acetabularplasty (shaving the acetabulum), a labrum repair (cushion in the hip socket), and Psoas (ligament in hip flexor muscle) release, along with a cyst removed from my femur and some of the cartilage sewn back with the labrum.

Why all this you may ask......I tore my labrum at some point between October 2013 when I started running and February of 2014. Since then I have not really been able to exercise, relax my hip or have good range of motion. So I spent the summer insisting on testing and such to figure out for sure what was wrong....with the encouragement of some co-workers.

So December 5th I went to Georgetown to have my surgery. I expected it to take a couple hours, spend an hour in recovery and be home in the afternoon.....well the afternoon turned into evening. The surgery went well, they repaired and fixed everything they should have, as said above but they did have to make an extra incision because when he went in my hip was full of blood! So definite damage in my hip. So as far as I know surgery took the amount of expected time.....recovery took a lot longer! It is funny the things I remember, because I did not have general anesthesia, I had a spinal. So I remember going into the OR, the time out, and then laying down. When I woke up I heard the nurses talking about my heart rhythm....I was shivering severely. They couldn't tell if my heart rhythm was in A-Fib or just from shivering. Thankfully it was only shivering....which was uncontrollable. I could not stop shaking, she gave me some Fentanyl and it stopped.....since that experience and since with my pain.....one of my pain responses is shivering and getting very cold. I know it sounds strange and I think it is, but if I think about it, I would never rate my pain 10/10 in my entire life......but I shivered anytime it got high. My body's way of coping. So my recovery took longer because then instead of my hip hurting, my back and stomach began to hurt. Which turned out when I couldn't have anymore pain medicine and I thought about it, it was my bladder. It had been three hours without going to the bathroom and having continuous fluids going! Once I was able to go, I felt much better. So I spent about 4 hours in recovery instead of 1 or 2. Then I moved to "phase 2" recovery....where I got dressed and got discharged. We drove home and I showered and went to bed after dinner and medication.

So the weeks after.....pain was worse in the beginning and being on crutches was hard, but I built up my upper body and by the time I went back to the doctor I was done with the narcotics mostly. I began physical therapy the next day as well. I was shocked at how tired I was just in general. I did not expect to be so exhausted from everything. I (being my normal over achiever self) thought, whatever I will just be on crutches, other than that I will feel fine. Nope! Anyway, it has gotten better, I am currently still using one crutch with the advise of my physical therapist and much to my dismay. And I am still not driving but will have to next week. I will be done with the crutches soon. It is just there for support. So I thought I would be back to work a lot sooner but it will at least be another week if not a little more. Or just shorter shifts. We will have to see. So I am doing exercises that are just tightening individual muscles and stretching right now. Not allowed to do too much more than that. And I am not allowed to do the elliptical until at least 6 weeks out and no running for 3 months!

After all that is said, I am doing well, only taking medicine when I need it mostly at night. Getting around more, but still tired. I hope maybe this post may help someone who is going through the same thing and will update those who are wondering about me. I am thankful for all those who prayed for me and continue to pray. I was not anxious at all the day of surgery and did not need anything to calm me down.

Happy New Year

So I have been silent now for about a month I think....it has been long, busy, and tiring! I wanted to share more on the new year and my thoughts.

So I am seeing all over Facebook that some people are going to have the year of their lives and some are just glad to see 2014 go.....this last one makes me so sad! I cannot say I haven't been there before and felt like I needed a new year to "start fresh" but I sincerely hope that people aren't meaning that they regret the last year. I would have to say the hardest year in my life so far was sadly the year my daughter was born 2010. Do NOT get me wrong.....I love her to death, would do anything for her, and I enjoyed her as much as I could that year.....but it was hard. That year started out with having snow storm after snow storm and me being a nurse.....I am required to drive in the snow no matter what.....then while pregnant I ended up on bedrest because I went into A-fib....things were not too bad.....then I had my girl and was elated and joyful.....5 weeks later my dad passed away....which sent me into the most anxious and depressed I ever felt add to that the post-pregnancy hormones and going back to work all at once....I couldn't handle it. But that being said every moment of that year I do not regret....because that year shaped me into who I am right now. So my hope and prayer for those that did not have a great 2014 is that they do not regret it, because on the bright side....they are still living life and able to live life, most of them with people that they love. Live life to the fullest, it is a gift from God Himself! He loves us so much and I am sure it makes Him sad that people cannot wait for a "new year". How about instead of living for the "new year", live for the "new day". Each day is and can be a fresh start if you let it!

This brings me to the next point in regards to "the best year of my life" phrase. Okay, so I understand you know some of what will most likely occur in your new year.....we are looking forward to traveling to Florida for some time and going on a couple camping trips as a family. And last but not least getting out of debt. But I do not know if it will be a life changing "best year" year....no one actually knows that. And saying this I kind of feel like I am bursting bubbles, but why do we put so much emphasis on having a great new year??? We truly do not know....anything can happen. And maybe it is because of my life experiences that have made me look at it this way. Yes good things will happen, but don't count on it being your best year....count on a good year, and focus on the good. Not the bad or what could have been better, but all the good in your life. Every year no matter what is a good year....you are alive and able to live your life to the fullest!! Make every day a good day and enjoy something in that day even if most of it is not great. I need to take my own advise on that one!

Last but not least.....do not make resolutions....the definition of resolution is an answer or solution to something....meaning you have a problem in your life. Yeah we all have things we could change and maybe need to, but you and your life are not problems to solve. So I inspire you to make goals instead of resolutions. My goals are to exercise again (once given clearance from the dr), begin my journey to getting my bachelors (hopefully scholarship sponsored), and focus on better and healthier eating for my family and I. Another goal I have is to start running again without injuring myself, and I cannot wait to ride my bike with my family again! I just look forward to being able to do the things I enjoy without pain and able to run, play, and chase my daughter once again. Goals can be big or small.....no matter what they are just make them achievable! Don't set the bar too high!

So in review my 2014 was good......though I had a lot of pain associated with it....it was good. We added another dog to our family, my daughter is in pre-k and excelling especially at reading, Paul's work is going well, we had a wonderful beach vacation, we attended a few weddings, Paul's grandpa joined Christ in heaven, began our debt free journey, and I had surgery to fix my hip. Now I may be missing some things but those are the highlights....not all great things but it was still a good year. 

In conclusion, the things I look forward to like I said are playing with my daughter and not being limited by pain. We will be going to Disney for the first time in my life even for only a day, and going beach and mountain camping. I look forward to watching my girl grow even more and excel in school, becoming debt free, and checking off another year of our Ethiopia adoption wait. I plan on trying to enjoy everyday for what it is and look forward to living in the moment. I hope everyone else tries to do the same.