Failures

So last week was busy with routine, mundane things at home and busy days at work. I had the weekend off again which was good but between taking care of Paul with his headache and Belle in general and trying to get yard work and stuff done I was cranky and tired. Sunday was difficult because I miss my dad and memorial day was harder than I thought it would be. Plus I was angry with Paul for not helping me get ready for church even though I got to sleep in. So basically I was complaining all day for no reason. I did however realize that I am have pms so that is probably why I am being so mean and nasty. Not that it's an excuse but I will say hormones suck!

So yesterday I worked 12 hours and during that time my father in law was taken to the hospital with a possible stroke. Paul called me before 7 and by 7:15 I heard "code stroke" over the intercom and I knew it was for him. So I was actually really scared and worried because there isn't much you an do. But I think it seems that it wasn't one so that is a great blessing. He had a massive stroke August of 2006 a month before Paul and I got married. So yesterday was okay work wise but stressful personally. And then I came home tired and in a bad mood. Paul tried to make me better but he couldn't.

Today was okay. I got stuff done but failed at things today too. I feel like they are epic fails but they really are not. I tried to use the drill and couldn't figure it out and got more angry than I already was. And then when I took the bread out of the make I realized that I messed up and I guess I forgot to put another tsp of salt so the bread is dense. I know these seem menial and stupid but to me right now they feel bigger. I am also frustrated with Paul because he doesn't act like he cared to talk to me or anything and he doesn't do the things I ask him to do. Most of the time he does but with one specific thing he hasn't done it after months of asking. And now when we are trying to get something done and need another answer before its done he is now wanting to take care of it. This is so frustrating!! And the other fail I had was we didn't put enough parade on our adoption paperwork and so I "fixed" it Saturday but it still wasn't enough! So that has put us back a week at least in our process! The devil needs to shove it and leave me alone! I am tired of this! Sorry for being frank but it's how I feel.

God,
Please me to trust in you with this adoption and the timing and finances. Please help Paul and I with our communication and relationship. Please help us to understand each other and love one another. Help all of our family that are having health problems right now. Bring healing to their bodies. Bless Belle and keep her safe. Please forgive me for judging others, being angry, impatient, and condescending. Please forgive me for my words and help me to be a better person, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Protect my family and thank you for all you have blessed us with. Thank you for food on our table, a roof over our heads, a savings account, the opportunity to adopt, and everything you have provided. Please bless us all and most of all Belle, Paul and our other little girl we haven't met yet. Please keep us safe. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Paid on call

Yesterday afternoon and evening were slightly challenging with Belle. She was over tired and as a result not listening and misbehaving. But we got through it. I felt bad about things because I wasn't very patient with her.

Today I got paid on call for the whole day which was a nice treat. The only problem is that I am using leave again and I used leave last week. So we will see. We also mailed our adoption paperwork today. So we will see what happens next. I am praying for the money though because I don't know where it is going to come from because we don't haves lot of it. On a good note I finished cleaning the "junk" room and started my adoption quilt. That's really all for today. Nothing exciting!

My week

So last week probably couldn't have gotten more boring to other people, that is why I waited to post. So last week was recovery week from vacation, which I still want to be in the Bahamas if anyone is wondering! Getting adjusted back to land was different than I had last time. I felt dizzy for days! I worked Tuesday, Thursday and had a meeting for work on Friday and worked 3p-7p. So it was a little busy. Tuesday work was pretty easy and was a good day to get adjusted back. Thursday was a little busier. Friday evening was great, I had a wonderful couple and she was waiting till she felt like she needed the epidural. So helping her through natural labor was great. I love natural childbirth. I enjoy helping moms and being there to support them.

Saturday, I was disappointed because Paul had to work, so Belle and I were on our own again. We had a pretty good day, but then I had to get ready for a wedding. That was the first wedding I have been to by myself, it was a little odd for me. The wedding though was beautiful and I had a good time. It is always a little awkward for me though because all of the people I work with have known each other and have mutual friends outside so they have more in common and anywhere they go they see people they know. So, I just don't have as much in common and it gets lonely sometimes.

 Yesterday was productive to say the least. Belle has had the habit of waking up at 6-630 every morning, so yesterday was no different. So my plan for yesterday was to clean our 3rd bedroom which has become a junk room. I started there and then moved to the attic because I had things to go up there but Paul said it wouldn't fit. So I cleaned out the attic too and found more stuff to sell at our next yard sale. All of this occurred though before 11am!! Then we went to church and after we got home I cleaned and organized more. Then we went to small group and got home really late but it was worth it to spend time with friends.

We have decided to have our next yard sale June23rd, we will be praying for good weather! We have also started our flower bulb fundraiser and I already have two orders! I am hoping that we can get a good amount of orders because whatever we sell we get 50% of the profit!! And tonight we will be filling out our paperwork and mailing it tomorrow with our first payment of $2500.

Anyway that has been my life the last week and this week has started with cleaning and organizing more, so we will see how the rest of the week goes and praying that it is a good one!

Back to reality

Paul and I got back from our vacation yesterday. We had a wonderful time! We went on a cruise to Grand Turk, Freeport, Bahamas, and Half Moon Cay, Bahamas. We totally would like to move to the Bahamas one day now! We snorkeled, swam with the sting rays (including petting them and feeding them), and my favorite....we swam with a dolphin! We swam in open ocean with 3 other people. We all got to touch, hug, kiss, give commands, and hold on and have him pull us while he swam! It was amazing! We went to the piano bar, some shows, walked around, took a massage class, I got a facial and a massage. We had wonderful food, and just relaxed on the deck or on the beach. It was wonderful and much needed! But today was totally back to reality. Paul went to work and I had to do laundry, clean, grocery shop and of course take care of Belle. I know this may sound crazy but I know she grew while we were gone and she is enunciating her words better. I missed her to pieces while we were gone, but enjoyed not having every minute revolve around her too. I am still feeling like I am on the boat though. It is better today than yesterday, but still makes me feel dizzy and really tired.

While we were gone we got an e-mail telling us that we have been accepted into the Ethiopia adoption program through our agency! I was so happy and excited I started to cry! We have another little girl out there waiting for us to bring her home. We also got a bunch of papers for us to sign and return with our first payment of $2500. We don't have all of that in our adoption account so I am praying that God provide it. And we will be having to buy a new shed, because the roof on ours is falling apart, so I am also praying for an inexpensive or free shed.

I am also starting a flower bulb sale soon, to raise money, and a t-shirt sale. I was going to have a yard sale in July but I think I may do it in June so I can have more and make more, hopefully.

I am so tired right now and just trying to get back into the swing of things and back into a routine. I am hoping to get started on my adoption quilt, and I need to get blood work done, and make a few phone calls. And back to work for me tomorrow. I think it would be easier if I had the crystal clear ocean to look at when I woke up and when I went home. Oh well, maybe someday!

Start of vacation

So the last few days have been okay. Belle started getting sick on Wednesday, I thought it was just allergies at first but when she woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday morning and felt like she had a fever and stuffy nose, I knew she was sick. She ended up in our bed, so sleep was not great, not to mention she woke up 2 more times in our bed. Work was decent on Thursday, it was actually the slowest day we've had  in a week or two at least when I've been there. Though I did hear flack again about bringing in bake sale items to sell. I can't tell if people were upset that I didn't give them to them or that I was doing it for my adoption. I know a few people who are extremely supportive of me through this process, so I know those people I can trust. And it seems every time I work I continue to notice how I am different. I was termed "wound up tight" last night, which is probably true, so whatever and I know that was said with kindness to it. But I continually notice that I don't read the same books, talk the way others do, or talk about things like others. It actually makes me feel lonely, not that I want to be like everyone else, I don't. But it's lonely when I feel like people don't "get me". It doesn't help that all I wanted to do was be home with Belle yesterday, but I needed to work. We need the money and I didn't want to use up more leave.

So I didn't realize that with our adoption application, the letter from my doctor was needed before we could be approved until yesterday. So I e-mailed a copy of the letter to the agency today, but sadly I won't know until next week whether we were accepted or not. I think we will be, but it's still a "what if".

Today Belle was feeling better, but I think she and I are having nap time power struggles. She will not nap for me, instead she will kick and scream at me until I break and sing her to sleep or take her to my bed for a movie. So she didn't nap today. And she was getting into everything that she wasn't supposed to today, and I am trying this "Love and Logic" but I am having a hard time following through and coming up with age and action appropriate consequences. I love that girl though and I was so sad and mad at myself because in my frustration I kept yelling at her. I felt like I ruined our last mommy-daughter day before I left. And to make it better, I was mad at Paul too. I was mad at him because I felt like I am the only one who ever cleans or picks up. I am constantly cleaning up his stuff, my stuff, and Belle's stuff! And doing daily, and weekly household chores! I am tired and need/want help, and I want to be noticed and appreciated! After talking to my mom about all of this though and crying about  Belle and everything, I realized that all of this is probably related to hormones and grief. I cried really hard with her on the phone about my dad. I miss him so much and I think to myself, I haven't talked to him in 2 years, and I haven't seen him in 2 years either. That is what really makes me sad and that Belle never really had the chance to get to know him. I miss him telling me how to pack my bags for vacation and giving me directions to places. I miss his chuckle and his cooking. I miss how much he loved Belle or to him "Izzy". I miss his money advice and most everything about him. I actually never deleted his cell phone number from my phone even though it's been disconnected for close to 2 years. That is probably dumb but I can't bring myself to do it, I feel like I am deleting him. Anyway, the tears helped me move on for the day, and acknowledge and take the moment to grieve.

Grandma

Today is the 10 year anniversary of losing my grandmother. On top of that I have PMS and I had to work today. Work was steady but okay. I was just out of it, sad, and mopey. I think a lot of it has to do with missing my grandma, my dad, and PMS. Even though this all affected me, I still enjoyed my all natural childbirth delivery this morning. They were a great couple and I got kudos from the midwife on my performance. She told me that natural childbirth is my thing, that I have a real knack for it. Other than that my day was normal, not here or there.

About my grandma though. I think I need to take a few minutes to remember her because if I don't it will stay bottled up. She was 72 when she passed away. She and I had a lot in common and were close. She was a very strong woman and I had so much respect for her. She was kind and loved life. She loved people in general, she loved Jesus, and she loved family. She and I had similar backgrounds from childhood. She knew what it felt like to have a father who doesn't give a rip about you. She had asthma, and an irregular heart rhythm. She liked to talk on the phone and would call at least once a day. I am the same way, I have asthma, and I have been in a-fib. She was so strong, she had polio as a child, she helped raise her younger siblings, she got married young the first time and when it turned out not to be legal as she thought, and he left her, she was pregnant.  She raised my aunt until she was 2 and then was almost forced to give her up for adoption. She never forgot about Susan and she always kept a picture of her in her wallet. She reunited with Susan years before she passed and I think that was good closure for her to see her daughter again. I cannot imagine what she went through or what any birth parent goes through. She was stubborn and silly too. She loved to be silly, and one thing I will never forget is this silly pumpkin hat she would wear at Halloween. She also loved bells and collected them, then at Christmas she would wear that little jingle bell around her neck. She would call it her ding-a-ling! She always did stockings for us at the family Christmas and always had some minty candy and an orange or clementine.  She was a wonderful person and I am blessed that I got to know her, but that doesn't make it easier living without her. I wonder sometimes what she would say about where I am now in life. What she would think of Belle. I know she would love her, but to see the interaction. Belle's middle name is the same as hers was.....Jeane. And I wonder what she would say about us adopting. Sometimes I just wish I could sit down with her and catch her up on all that's gone on and get her opinion and just visit with her. She used to love hearing about my day and everything. I obviously get my talking gene from her! If I really think about it, I can see her in my head. I love you grandma and I'll see you again someday, soon to you, not to me. But know that I miss you all the time!