So, since Wednesday when I last posted I have either worked all day or have been off and it has been rainy or overcast and depressing! Add on top of that my already feeling defeated mood regarding our adoption, Paul's job, and just in general being overly tired. This does not make for a good combination! Oh and add my hormones! Really bad now! So poor Paul has had to put up with my mood swings, tiredness and overall cranky attitude. I am sad because of all the recent events and right now I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is darkness ahead and it's not comforting. I know that this is what Satan wants and I am determined not to let him win, but it is also hard at the same time to fight back when I feel so tired that I don't think I have any fight left.
Although this mornings sermon and worship helped. One song in particular I even cried. The chorus goes "He loves us, Oh how he loves us, Oh how he loves". That part really got me, because no matter how sad or cranky, or nasty I am he loves me. And he loves me so much that he will take care of me, I just need to trust him. My anxiety has been awful lately. I have been anxious about cleaning, money, you name it, I've been anxious about it. But I am working on communicating with Paul about it, praying about it, and calming myself down. A peace actually came over me when I sang that song and that is what brought the tears. It was almost as if God himself was saying I love you Tiff, trust me, I've got this. So for right now this is my song.
It has been a good few days though. We went to a baseball game last night, although we left early because it was cold and rainy, we still had fun. And I have truly started our adoption quilt that I will auction off. We have also decided as for people outside of Paul, Belle, and I we are going to do a homemade Christmas. I just have to decide what to make for who now and find the time! Paul actually wants to help too. Also, Paul heard about another job close to home that is a possibility and he sent a resume to the owner. And praise God he has work this week, as a fill in for a guy that is on vacation at another shop. And he has a few side jobs to do.
One of the things that has me upset too, is I feel like I need to be doing more for our adoption than I am. But there is not much more that I can do at this moment. I cannot change that our doctor appointment got cancelled. And that we need our notary to go with us. I hate not being in control and I am not very patient. But Paul said something yesterday, that was "maybe we are not supposed to be doing much for the adoption right now". I had never thought of it that way. That God has a plan with these road blocks and that it isn't supposed to continue going this quickly. I truly think God is teaching me to fully trust, and rely on him. The reason I think this is because, honestly, Paul and I have never had to truly worry or struggle for most anything that we wanted or needed. Yes things have been tight, really tight but not to the point that we had to think about everything that we spent. So I am learning how to trust that he will provide, and I am banking on him providing something better than we thought of, that will give us what we need and the desires of our heart. He is also teaching me patience through all this, that everything is in his timing. Learning is hard but no one ever said it would be easy. Especially learning life lessons, academics is easier!
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