He is Risen!!

Happy Easter to all! Today was a good day. Church was good, pastor talked about bridging the gap. We all have a gap between us and God and to bridge that gap you have to A: accept Christ as your personal Savior, B: Believe He died on the cross for your sins, and C:Confess that you are not perfect and ask for forgiveness. To some out there this may seem stupid or some may ask why. Why be a Christian? Well, I can tell you that I am not only a christian because I want/will go to heaven, but also because my life is fulfilled with Him in my life. You don't necessarily realize what God can do and how He can take care of you until you let Him. God loves you, He created you for a purpose, and He has a plan for you if you let Him work in your life.

There are a few ways God has been there for me. From the beginning though, I received Christ as my savior at age 9 in class in 3rd grade at my new christian school. When I was two my parents divorced because my father was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to my mother. After that my father had visitation rights every other weekend, like every other most common child from divorce. Anyway, my father was not kind. I remember as a little kid, him forcing me to nap with him, and forcing me to eat when I was full. Little things like that. As I got older and became a "tweener", things changed, he would tell me that I was getting fat. He would drive fast and scare me purposefully, he would "play" and hurt me. I also watched him hurt my stepmother, and one night even choke my step-brother. That same night earlier, he was "playing: and gave me an "indian burn" which sprained my wrist. I am also an asthmatic, which the disease is under control now, but as a child it wasn't. There was a time when he refused to let me get my inhaler, and told me I didn't have asthma. He would blow smoke into my face, and at one point took away my bed and gave it to my sister. So I had to sleep on the couch or the floor. Ever since I can remember, I have always felt that I don't love him as my father. I was afraid of him as a child so I would lie and say it anyway. I prayed to God about this for a long time and prayed for the strength to stand up to him and tell him how I felt and that I didn't want to see him anymore. At some points I had even had thoughts of jumping out of a moving car to get away from him. Occasionally he would have nice days, and he would try to bribe me into liking him. This particular day he picked me up and we got slurpees. It was around his birthday and on the way to the house he asked me if I got him anything, I said no that I didn't have any money. Then he said that my mom could have given some of the child support to me to spend. He then went on and asked if I got Clint (my step-dad, whom I consider my dad) anything for his birthday. I said yes but that I didn't pay for it. Then he asked about father's day, I told him well I colored you a picture. He asked the same thing about my dad (Clint). And the answer was yes. Then he said do you love Clint? I said yes. He said, Do you love me? I said no. And that was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my father. He verbally abused me for 2 1/2 days straight. I cried most of the weekend, and he told me things that I had no business as an 11 year old knowing. When my mom picked me up that Sunday, my eyes were so red and swollen. I was thankful however for my step-mom because she did tell him to just leave me alone. The next year was hard, but I got through it. My asthma got really bad that year and everyone at his house smoked, so every time I was there I started having asthma attacks,. I had to leave within hours of being there. After a few times of that, he started taking me to work with him, so I couldn't leave. We never really talked. By The next Christmas after I told him I didn't love him I had the nerve to tell him I wanted to stay home. And in a course over two months, I told him I didn't want to go. He showed up at the house to pick me up a few times, and I said I was staying home. Then he would call and ask and eventually he stopped even calling. That was February, and I turned 13 in April. I also wrote a letter to the family court judge telling her that I didn't want to go and the reasons why and things he had done and I had seen. He got a copy of the letter, so he never fought. I have seen him very few times since. At one point I tried to be part of that side of the family, but no one really accepted me. So I don't talk to anyone except every few years or so. My grandmother always treated me different because of my mom and she always tried to tell me that the Bible says that you have to love your father, but that's not true. The Bible says Honor, do not disobey. I kept that commandment. I talk to my father every once and a while, but it is always strained. I am telling this story because the only reason I am a sane person and had the strength at 13 to do what I did is because God was there with me. God is the one that spoke for me and answered my many prayers. And the other thing out of all of this, is that I do not harbor hard feelings toward him. I recently found out he is in poor health and I feel sorry for him. He wants to meet Belle and I had decided not to because of my past with him and that he is a pathological liar. But if he really is sick and dying I probably will let him meet her. She is his first grandchild and I am compassionate toward him. He has no one now. All of my siblings dislike him, he is divorced from my step-mother and takes care of my sick grandmother. The only reason I do not hold a grudge is because God has given me the strength to forgive him. And I am a happier person because of it.

 The other major thing in my life that God has gotten my through is postpartum anxiety and depression. After Belle was born things were good. I was happy and everything was good with our new family. My dad (Clint) was okay....he didn't like going to the doctor and stuff. He had some issues, but nothing that I  thought would end the way it did. Belle was 5 weeks old when he died. He died May 6, 2010 at home. My sister went to class to take her final and when she got home he was gone. She called me in a panic, and I called 911 for her. The attempted CPR but he had been gone for a while. So this was obviously unexpected. What made it hard was that he loved Belle so much. He would have done anything for her. He called her Izzy. He was the only one that did. I wasn't ready to lose him, none of us were and so soon after something so happy and exciting in our lives. I was sad all the time, and I felt like people didn't notice or care that I was grieving. And at the same time as if grieving is not enough, I was learning how to be a mom, wife, work, and try to help my mom. She was 48 when he died. I don't remember much of that summer at all. It is all a blur. I think some people could tell something was wrong, but in my mind people didn't notice. I started counseling in July. After about a month and a half, my counselor recommended that I talk to my doctor about medication for postpartum depression. I went on Zoloft and stayed on a small dose of that until June of 2011. I stayed in counseling until February of 2011. I saw a Christian counselor, and prayed a lot. I still have moments of anxiety and sadness but I can still find happiness and be content. I am telling you this story as well, because I don't think I could have gotten through without God. God is the one who pulled me out of the deep, dark hole that I was in and couldn't get out of by myself. Did medication help, yes. But that was only a part of it. When I told people the dose I was on, it was such a small dose that some say it might not have been effective. But it helped me to see some light, and God did the rest. Healing is still happening and currently I am missing my dad a lot. I can't believe it's been almost two years, and it doesn't seem fair that I lost my dad so early and that he never really got to know Belle. It's not fair that other people still have their dads and I don't, but God called him home. And everything happens for a reason. God never says it will be easy, but that is why he sent His only Son in human form. Jesus knew what it was like to experience hunger, thirst, physical pain, heartache, and ultimately death. He knows and He wants you to know that He does understand and He will always be with you through the good and the bad. That is why I got a tattoo of the last line of the poem of "Footprints", "It was then that I carried you", it's a picture of the beach at sunrise, with one set of footprints.

I hope this will help someone get through a tough time and maybe rely on God for a change. Even better, I hope that someone will come to know Christ as their savior through my testimony, and have peace and reassurance that God is with you, and have eternal life with Him! Peace, and God be with you in all you do!